Q. Dear Banana, I just bought a new house and I want to replace the top floor carpet right away as it is old and ugly and dark. Looking at carpet choices. Any recommendations? You’ve had the same carpeting for years, no? Do you recall anything about what sort it is? I really liked the wool in our last place, and there’s a place here that has it for actually quite cheap. It feels nice, its a renewable resource, very durable/long-lasting…but…(big but) it stains pretty easily. There’s a new carpet from Dupont called Smartstrands made out of corn fiber, renewable…stain resistant guarantee, supposedly durable, very soft feeling… a bit more expensive…in the medium price range. Anyway, if you happen to have any recommendations, let me know!
-Confused in Colorado
A. First of all, let me say that I am glad that you asked that question. We understand that carpet is a very important issue to all Americans today, and is something we here all take very seriously. As matter of fact, and not very people know this about me, carpet is an issue very near and dear to my heart as I myself had carpet in my home when I was just a young child growing up in the great state of Indiana, the backbone of the heartland of America. I have personally pledged to form a panel of experts to select a committee to further research this issue until we get to the heart of this important matter. We will not stop until we have reached an answer that is both just and fair to all Americans, in all walks of life. No longer is the carpet issue just an issue for the working man, this issue cuts to core of what makes us all Americans, and should be addressed at the highest levels. I personally will travel to the carpet centers of this great nation to find the truth behind the plush pile. We need a strong and courageous leader who is unafraid to lift the corners of that berber mat, even to peak under that mildew resistant padding, and reveal the true flooring that supports this great nation, as it has since the time of brave founding fathers. In these troubled times we cannot afford to rest our bare feet upon a cold wooden floor, and neither can we afford to trip over the deceptive folds of a cheap polyester pile. Straw mats may have been good enough for our struggling ancestors, yet we cannot accept that for our great nation today. Today we call upon the strength of wool, the honesty of cotton and the justice of true stain resistance for all Americans. For when even one American has to suffer the injustice of a stained floor covering, are not we all lessened as a great nation? Our founding fathers suffered the chilled feet of hard wood floors, so that we today can rise, together, as the greatest nation in the world, barefoot, upon the plush pile that is our true birthright as Americans!! As a nation we have room in hearts to embrace equally all colors and fibers of quality floor coverings. Let us not turn our gaze away from the honesty of wool, while equally embracing the bravery of stain resistance! Our national carpet policy must be firm, yet fair. It must be soft, yet resilient. Brightly colored, and yet stain resistant! We can no more afford to divide this great country between those with Stainmaster, verse those those with Smartstrands, any more that we could turn away from those choosing the simple truths of cut pile verse those who walk among us on luxurious deep shag! Now is the time for all true Americans to join hands, and walk hand in hand, barefoot, on the luxurious carpet of truth, justice and the American way!


oh wait a second, did you say carpet? ohhhhhhhh carpet. hmmm. nope, sorry, I don’t know anything at all about carpet….